Evian Water and the Illuminati: A Sordid Affair

 

There is an insidious plot that we at InfoBomb have unearthed recently, and that is that popular water brand Evian are in cahoots with the Illuminati.

If we go missing any time soon you will know why.

“This is nonsense.” I hear you tutting at your computer screen, meaty hand clasped around your beloved bottle of Evian TM branded water, fresh from the mountains of Ehveeahn (whispered with a French accent), trusted conglomerate, the official water of Wimbledon. They would never deceive you, would they? They’ve been here for you your entire life, the first drink you drunk as you exchanged your mothers teat for something more nurturing: the corporate essence of life. “This is complete garbage, this author is off his/her/xir/cis nut.” Maybe so, but that is besides the point.

Our Claim

Here we go: Evian is working in conjunction with the Illuminati to keep us under-hydrated and easier to control. Why? I just said why. How? Let me show you.

The Evidence

Screen Shot 2018-10-31 at 15.02.56.png

What type of water needs Snapchat? Water that cannot be trusted to not send you unsolicited pictures of it’s junk

Look at this bottle of water. It clearly states that it is 50cl on the side, or 500 milliliters. 500 milliliters is a quarter of 2 litres, which is the recommended amount we proletariats are to drink per day to remain healthy and attractive. Now, I am not a scientist but if you look closely you will see that this bottle, quite clearly, is not big enough to contain a quarter of my recommended hydration allowance. Absolutely no way.

Screen Shot 2018-10-31 at 15.04.00

Who is that helpline to? Poseidon?

What’s more, if you look at this label it states the composition of minerals inside this bottle, supposedly containing things like ‘Potassium’ and ‘Calcium’ (which quite frankly I don’t need from my water because I eat dozens of bananas a day, so this is simply presumptuous and rude and I didn’t pay to be insulted by a tasteless liquid, thanks). But here is the fatal error: I have actually refilled this bottle with tap water for sustainability and to save the ice caps from dying so how can this bottle contain what it claims? It is a liar, and a charlatan, and takes me to be a fool. Not today, sir.

They Laugh At Our Ignorance

Look closely at this label and tell me what you see

Screen Shot 2018-10-31 at 15.04.08

Liars

 

e v i a n

 

e v i a n

 

Now turn it around

 

n a i v e

 

They got you good, chief. Admit it.

What Can We, The Sheeple, Do About It?

There is nothing that can be done, for you are too weak and passive due to dehydration and are now incapable of fighting back. Just lie down and think of England as Evian fills you with Hoax Two Oh.

May God have mercy on us all.

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