In a shock announcement, Theresa May has decided that the outcome of the UK’s Brexit negotiations with the EU will be determined by a no-holds-barred cage match between Jeremy Corbyn and herself.
“I’ve had it,” the Prime Minister stated to a stunned press conference, while wearing a bracelet made from the ears of Jacob Rees-Mogg and Boris Johnson. “I’ve fucking had it. The deal is shit, let’s face it, but it’s the best I could do. If that tosser Corbyn wants a go, then bring it on. I’ll fuck him up like I fucked up this country.”
A response from Labour Party HQ came swiftly. After reading out a letter by David from Somerset for no particular reason, Corbyn announced that he would gladly accept the challenge. His intention, he claimed, was to sign a Brexit deal “for the many not the few” with ink made from May’s blood since “Tories may be blue but the bastards all bleed Labour red.”
Bookies are divided on who will emerge victorious from the contest. Corbyn comes to the fight buoyed up by a wave of popular support, and is adept at wielding his chosen weapons of poisonous jam-smeared hammer and sickle. May, however, once emerged from a wheat field after single-handedly defeating a rampaging horde of blood-crazed dormice using only her personality, and is notoriously both strong and stable.
Infobomb has been informed that, in a stunningly-popular decision, both contenders intend to team up before the main event in order to beat the absolute living shit out of Nigel “Mr Toad” Farage. Tickets are on sale now; this is one leadership battle that you will not want to miss.