Meghan Markle Shuts Door, Public Stunned

British society is in turmoil today after a video was captured revealing Meghan Markle, newly-crowned Princess and wife to Harry (the ginger one), closing her own car door.

“You could hear a pin drop,” claimed David Longbottom, a 76 year-old self-described patriot and lover of all things Royal (unemployed). “I genuinely couldn’t believe what I was seeing, and nor could my Mavis. I wouldn’t have dreamed that one of the nobility could do something that us ordinary folk do, and she did it with such grace and poise too. Brought a tear to my eye, it really did.”


A Car Door

The media has gone into a veritable feeding-frenzy after Markle’s revelatory action, and it’s reported that the editor of the Daily Express fainted and had to go have a lie-down in a quiet room, staring at an A1-sized image of Princess Diana (pre car-crash).

Not everyone has greeted this news with awe, however.

“I can’t say that I approve,” said Agatha Snortingcoke-Braithwaite, Lady of Braithwaite Manor and owner of two-thirds of Somerset. “A Princess should be above such things, after all, isn’t that what we have staff for? I suppose I must make allowances for her being foreign-born, but it is apparent she needs to adapt to her new station forthwith or she’ll be peeling her own fruit or something ghastly like that.”

Check back with soon for an exclusive report on the truth of the rumours that Meghan Markle wipes her own backside without any assistance.

Nigel Farage Condoms Cause Surge In Viagra Sales

Viagra manufacturers are reporting record sales following the recent UKIP conference in Birmingham. After images of Farage-face condom packets and UKIP-brand underwear went viral on social media, an epidemic of impotence has been spreading like wildfire.

Purchasers of said products are baffled as to the cause.

“I just don’t get it,” said Brian McCloughberry, conference attendee and proud Kipper. “The missus had just finished watching an episode of Poldark and was well up for it as usual. We got down to business but the moment I got the rubber out and looked at my idol’s face on the packet, Brian Junior went south faster than Theresa May’s political credibility.”


‘I Love UKIP’ underwear was also for sale at the conference, apparently described as both practical and highly absorbent by the bow-legged, drooling man distributing them. Yet even these have been reported to have had unforeseen consequences.


“I bought them to spice up our sex life ‘cos I don’t agree with condoms,” said Sarah Reaser, a 26-year-old mother of eight from Stotfold, “but soon as Dave saw them he weren’t in the mood no more and he’s been sleeping on the sofa ever since. I dunno what the problem is.”

Dark reasons have been suggested to explain these seemingly-unconnected events, however.

Writing on Twitter, ‘TrueBrit10256781’ has claimed that the distribution of the condoms and underwear are part of a sinister plot by leftists to bring about an epidemic of impotence, allowing the “Great Replacement” of the British people by immigrants and Muslims to be accomplished more swiftly.

We asked random Muslims for their opinion on this, but couldn’t get them to stop crying with laughter long enough to get a coherent answer.