Evian Water and the Illuminati: A Sordid Affair

 

There is an insidious plot that we at InfoBomb have unearthed recently, and that is that popular water brand Evian are in cahoots with the Illuminati.

If we go missing any time soon you will know why.

“This is nonsense.” I hear you tutting at your computer screen, meaty hand clasped around your beloved bottle of Evian TM branded water, fresh from the mountains of Ehveeahn (whispered with a French accent), trusted conglomerate, the official water of Wimbledon. They would never deceive you, would they? They’ve been here for you your entire life, the first drink you drunk as you exchanged your mothers teat for something more nurturing: the corporate essence of life. “This is complete garbage, this author is off his/her/xir/cis nut.” Maybe so, but that is besides the point.

Our Claim

Here we go: Evian is working in conjunction with the Illuminati to keep us under-hydrated and easier to control. Why? I just said why. How? Let me show you.

The Evidence

Screen Shot 2018-10-31 at 15.02.56.png

What type of water needs Snapchat? Water that cannot be trusted to not send you unsolicited pictures of it’s junk

Look at this bottle of water. It clearly states that it is 50cl on the side, or 500 milliliters. 500 milliliters is a quarter of 2 litres, which is the recommended amount we proletariats are to drink per day to remain healthy and attractive. Now, I am not a scientist but if you look closely you will see that this bottle, quite clearly, is not big enough to contain a quarter of my recommended hydration allowance. Absolutely no way.

Screen Shot 2018-10-31 at 15.04.00

Who is that helpline to? Poseidon?

What’s more, if you look at this label it states the composition of minerals inside this bottle, supposedly containing things like ‘Potassium’ and ‘Calcium’ (which quite frankly I don’t need from my water because I eat dozens of bananas a day, so this is simply presumptuous and rude and I didn’t pay to be insulted by a tasteless liquid, thanks). But here is the fatal error: I have actually refilled this bottle with tap water for sustainability and to save the ice caps from dying so how can this bottle contain what it claims? It is a liar, and a charlatan, and takes me to be a fool. Not today, sir.

They Laugh At Our Ignorance

Look closely at this label and tell me what you see

Screen Shot 2018-10-31 at 15.04.08

Liars

 

e v i a n

 

e v i a n

 

Now turn it around

 

n a i v e

 

They got you good, chief. Admit it.

What Can We, The Sheeple, Do About It?

There is nothing that can be done, for you are too weak and passive due to dehydration and are now incapable of fighting back. Just lie down and think of England as Evian fills you with Hoax Two Oh.

May God have mercy on us all.

Advertisements

No, Australia Doesn’t Exist

Australia doesn’t exist and we at InfoBomb are lifting the lid on the MainStreamMedia’s mendacious fantasies.

The idea of ‘Australia’ is one of the greatest cover-ups of all time. It first began during the 1600’s when peasants were told that if they didn’t behave they would be shipped off to a land ‘down under’ full of crocodiles, huntsman spiders, Tasmanian devils, and other imaginary creatures. This legend was propagated as a way to keep the underclass scared and thus easier to control. People back in the 1600’s were complete idiots, as they could have easily Googled ‘Tasmanian Devils’ and would have discovered that this is a made up Looney Tunes character. Furthermore, the notion that ‘A*stralia’ is where English criminals are sent is ludicrous; everyone knows that we English are too polite and noble to have lawbreakers.

Everyone who claims to have visited Australia has been brainwashed. Tickets bought for ‘Oztralia’ flags up in the governments monitoring system, and these people are kidnapped at customs at airports and spend their ‘holiday to Australia’ in a non-disclosed location, off their nut on DMT supplied by the government to keep the illusion going. Anyone who claims to BE ‘Australian’ is a paid government shill, a charlatan, an actor, but not even a good actor like Jack Nicholson or Johnny Depp in his pre-Amber Heard days. No, Fauxstralians are the Tommy Wiseau’s of the crisis actor world. Need more proof?

Screen Shot 2018-09-28 at 13.56.40.png

Paid Actor

Here is a picture of Fauxstralia’s ‘Prime Minister’ (see: paid actor) eating a raw onion with skin on, a feat no one is capable of unless they are being paid handsomely (or even ugly).

Though this truth has been popularized by Flat Earthers it is important to note that Flat Earthers do not know what they are talking about because the earth clearly is not flat. It is hollow with an inner earth and sun. But that is a truth-bomb for another article.

Do you expect me to believe that Kangaroos and Wallabies are actual mammals and not fever dreams thought up by American militia dosed on LSD provided by the C.I.A? Give me a break.

Screen Shot 2018-09-28 at 13.04.03.png

what an idiot.

Big N.W.O Gov left us clues to decipher the true falsity of the Fauxstralia conundrum. If you look at the image below, “Austr*li*” is clearly shaped like cartoon character Scooby Doo. Why Scooby Doo? Because, like Foestralia, stoned cartoon dogs also do not exist.

Screen Shot 2018-09-28 at 13.02.01.png

utter rubbish.

The most heartbreaking tragedy of this mass conspiracy is that Steve Irwin, popular ‘Australian’ zookeeper, did not ever exist but was a character based on the hit 1998 American comedy film Dr. Dolittle. The creator of Steve Irwin was inspired by the character Jake the suicidal Tiger in the film, and thus Steve Irwin was created.

Screen Shot 2018-09-28 at 13.08.11.png

The Original Steve Irwin

It is also claimed in History books from the LIEbrary that Australia lost the cold war against Emu’s. What a bunch of nonsense. Any country that cannot win against some jumped up, oversized chickens does not deserve to be considered as a real place.

Don’t buy into the lies. Boycott Australia.

Not Calling Pluto A Planet Is Celestial Body Shaming, So Why Do We Do It?

12 years ago, the International Astronomic Union decided to adopt an unrealistic ‘definition’ for the term ‘planet’, which caused Pluto to be demoted to a ‘dwarf planet’. It was planetary apartheid.

The term ‘dwarf planet’ is problematic in of itself, as dwarfs cannot become planets and it is a constant derogatory reminder of their own earthly limitations.

Removing Pluto from the order of astronomical bodies is erasure, plain as day. It is the same old story, time and time again: big planets are always represented in media and on the front covers of magazines like Take A Break, whilst smaller planets (which are more realistically proportioned for the Average Planet) are an afterthought and are always given sidekick roles like “the small but funny best friend” in rom-coms.

Why is it always bigger planets that are picked for catwalk shows? Jupiter, the Emily Ratajkowski of planets, gets more representation that it’s worth in popular space culture. But Jupiter is privileged, and this spatial size inequality has sparked online campaigning, including the hashtag #PlanetsAtEverySize in protest to the exclusion.

Recently, however, there is talk of redefining the word “planet” to allow Pluto to be at one with its peers. Though this will be seen as a “win” for universal society, we must ask ourselves a difficult question: why Pluto was deemed ‘not good enough’ in the first place?

We asked Pluto for comment but it has yet to get back to us.

Why “Drake Clapping Gif” is problematic

There’s a new Gif in town and it goes by the name of “Drake_Clapping.gif”.
Chances are you’ve seen it used in celebration, perhaps congratulating a newborn relative on entering the mortal plane via Twitter¹, or in the midst of a heated argument on Facebook².
You may be surprised to hear there’s another side to the seemingly innocent animation of the thrilled Canadian rising from his seat in applause, a side that’s setting back the equality movement by a decade each time it is used.

¹ Twitter.com, a popular k-pop discussion forum
² Facebook.com, a website owned by a Zuckerberg

drake 1.jpg

The image, as summarised above, is used as frequently as once every five seconds, according to statistics provided by the 2017 Reaction Image Research Survey and may actually be a prime example of “cultural appropriation”, a brand new phrase that perfectly describes the difficulty caused for the progression of humanity by those who use another culture’s creations and traditions.
Drake is famous for being one of the first black men to appear on Canadian National Television, launching a career in his 2001 role as Jimmy Brooks in the hit show Degrassi, Drake proceeded to build a career starring in reaction images as well as music albums.

Because of the context of the man behind the image, many believe it’s not appropriate for a person without colour (PWC) to post the image by his own hand, lest other internet users mistake him for the hip-hop star, falsely accrediting the words written beside the .GIF to the (blissfully) unaware three-time Grammy winner.

In the era of apartheid this may have been acceptable but in the 2018th year of our lord, it leaves a stale taste in the mouth of smartphones worldwide (the mouth perhaps being the charging port) like a digital durian fruit, undoing the progress in the equality movement whenever a non-drake individual culturally appropriates the image for their own expression.

Sometimes referred to as “digital blackface”, I would rather call this phenomenon what it really is – wh*te supremacy.
When an individual chooses to (for example) use an emoji with a skin tone that does not match their own, they’re sending the message that they speak on behalf of not only those whose tone it does match but they’re also attempting to speak on behalf of all emojis who are famously stuck inside devices, unable to roam the physical world like us mortals and therefore the most marginalised demographic as of late.
It’s due to this power inequity we here at InfoBomb believe to that using the Drake Clapping Gif is a net negative for humanity and is therefore problematic, although many are ignorant to this fact.

Next time you use a reaction image or emoji, please take a moment to consider whether or not it’s likely to be problematic and hurtful, because chances are it is.