Evian Water and the Illuminati: A Sordid Affair

 

There is an insidious plot that we at InfoBomb have unearthed recently, and that is that popular water brand Evian are in cahoots with the Illuminati.

If we go missing any time soon you will know why.

“This is nonsense.” I hear you tutting at your computer screen, meaty hand clasped around your beloved bottle of Evian TM branded water, fresh from the mountains of Ehveeahn (whispered with a French accent), trusted conglomerate, the official water of Wimbledon. They would never deceive you, would they? They’ve been here for you your entire life, the first drink you drunk as you exchanged your mothers teat for something more nurturing: the corporate essence of life. “This is complete garbage, this author is off his/her/xir/cis nut.” Maybe so, but that is besides the point.

Our Claim

Here we go: Evian is working in conjunction with the Illuminati to keep us under-hydrated and easier to control. Why? I just said why. How? Let me show you.

The Evidence

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What type of water needs Snapchat? Water that cannot be trusted to not send you unsolicited pictures of it’s junk

Look at this bottle of water. It clearly states that it is 50cl on the side, or 500 milliliters. 500 milliliters is a quarter of 2 litres, which is the recommended amount we proletariats are to drink per day to remain healthy and attractive. Now, I am not a scientist but if you look closely you will see that this bottle, quite clearly, is not big enough to contain a quarter of my recommended hydration allowance. Absolutely no way.

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Who is that helpline to? Poseidon?

What’s more, if you look at this label it states the composition of minerals inside this bottle, supposedly containing things like ‘Potassium’ and ‘Calcium’ (which quite frankly I don’t need from my water because I eat dozens of bananas a day, so this is simply presumptuous and rude and I didn’t pay to be insulted by a tasteless liquid, thanks). But here is the fatal error: I have actually refilled this bottle with tap water for sustainability and to save the ice caps from dying so how can this bottle contain what it claims? It is a liar, and a charlatan, and takes me to be a fool. Not today, sir.

They Laugh At Our Ignorance

Look closely at this label and tell me what you see

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Liars

 

e v i a n

 

e v i a n

 

Now turn it around

 

n a i v e

 

They got you good, chief. Admit it.

What Can We, The Sheeple, Do About It?

There is nothing that can be done, for you are too weak and passive due to dehydration and are now incapable of fighting back. Just lie down and think of England as Evian fills you with Hoax Two Oh.

May God have mercy on us all.

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Piers Morgan Announced As New James Bond

In news that has shocked basically everyone who is aware of who he is, Piers Morgan has been announced as the new James Bond.

Infobomb understands that Morgan first came to the attention of big Hollywood execs after launching a stinging attack on Daniel Craig, the current James Bond, for the crime of carrying his own child, which in Morgan’s opinion is extremely unmanly.

craig

Shocking, apparently.

“The story opened our eyes to new possibilities,” said A.B. Scutemeyer III, an important film mogul according to his business card. “We’ve long thought that Bond, with his out-dated attitudes, isn’t a good fit for the 21st Century. He’s not even a great spy since he tells his actual name to anyone who asks. What we need is a new kind of Bond, a man that nobody would suspect of being a secret agent. Morgan fits the bill perfectly.”

morgan

Raw, unfettered sexuality.

The news has been controversial, to say the least. Some have claimed that Morgan is little more than a flabby maggot-man with a bloated, unrealistic sense of his own importance, and that the role of James Bond would be better played by literally anyone else, up to and including Tinky Winky from the Teletubbies.

Others disagree, claiming that the idea of Piers Morgan having the living shit beaten out of him on a giant cinema screen for two hours does have a certain appeal.

Morgan starts work soon on the new Bond film, in which he reportedly faces a race against time to manfully hack a dead girl’s phone for some reason.

Lilo And Stitch Casting Shock: Scarlett Johansson To Play Stitch

Controversy has once again gripped social media following the announcement that the part of Stitch in the upcoming live-action Lilo and Stitch Disney film will be played by Scarlett Johansson.

Many are not pleased that the role will be taken by Scarlett, known best for her work in various Marvel movies and a limited-release adaptation of Cluedo.

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Scarlett, in the library, with the candlestick

“It’s the ultimate in cultural appropriation,” claimed Dean Lulworthy, a long-time advocate for social justice with almost fifty followers on Twitter. “First she took the part of Motoko in Ghost in the Shell, despite not being Japanese. That was bad enough. But now… now she’s appropriating the role of a whole other species, one that’s not even native to this planet! All I expect is that casting should remain true to the cultural origins of the part. Is a little effort too much to ask for from Hollywood these days?”

Others have pointed out that, though a talented actress, Ms Johansson might struggle to realistically play the part of a three-foot tall alien that resembles a blue, less-stupid koala.

Stitch

Not Scarlett Johansson

Some, though, have heralded the move as a bold one. “Scarlett’s really good at what she does, very versatile,” gushed Helena Hanbascet, “and I’ve got no doubt she can really bring the character to life. After all, she did really well in the Avengers movies as Black Widow, and she isn’t even a spider.”

New meme alert! ‘Planking’ takes the internet by storm

You may be familiar with 2018’s latest memes and trends such as ‘Homer In Undertale’, ‘Opal Chinaman Style’, and the ‘Do A Poo In Sainsbury’s Challenge’ but as of last Wednesday the internet has given digital birth to a new craze known as ‘Planking’.

Not to be confused with Wanking, Planking is an activity in which an individual lays flat in an unusual situation while a friend photographs it, saves it to their computer and uploads it to The Online for all to enjoy.

As of the 8th of October 2018, more than 150 images of planking have been uploaded to Twitter alone, causing an overload in the main servers.

One spokesperson at Twitter HQ told me the following:

“We’re getting overwhelmed with all the wanking (sic) images being uploaded and the server room is getting really hot. We need to get more windows built just to keep them open lest the servers get too warm for our service to continue.”

The sheer volume of Planking photos and videos being uploaded to the internet in general has already begun to cause problems for the public. Notably, my grandmother’s iPad stopped working yesterday – likely due to Apple’s servers becoming overloaded or my cousin dropping it in the bath one too many times.

While the trend seems like innocent fun for the brainwashed public, here at InfoBomb we recognise the real danger behind Planking – It’s entirely possible that an individual may get hurt while attempting to plank dangerously, perhaps on the tip of a rhino’s horn or upon a gun owned by someone to whom they owe a large sum of money.

If any member of your family has been planking, please put a stop to it before they hurt themselves, unless they are a paedophile or any other genre of monster.

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A lovely man with a broad planking on his dome.

Elon Musk Unveiled As Spokesperson For Tesco’s New ‘Not-A-BBQ’ Range

In a controversial new move by the supermarket giant, Tesco™ has revealed that Elon ‘Pedo Hunter’ Musk is to be the new spokesperson for one of their latest ranges.

‘Not-A-BBQ’ is a new product developed just in time to celebrate our famous British summer. ‘Not-A-BBQ’ is a build-it-yourself toolkit comprised of firewood and a spade, so consumers can dig a hole in their garden to store non-perishable food in such as tinned baked beans, or bangers and mash.

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Pictured: “Not-A-BBQ”

Tesco™ has released a statement saying:

“Name a more iconic duo. We’ll wait.”

When asked for comment upon this new career path, Elon Musk told us at InfoBomb:

“I am looking forward to working alongside Tesco with this innovative new range. I once used a Tesco Express back in 2010, when I was visiting London and had to buy a Tesco Prawn Mayonnaise Sandwich as I was hungry in-between meetings and my assistant at the time was being inept. He has since been fired, God rest his soul, but the sandwich was quite nice. Not phenomenally, not life-changing, but nice enough. I was hungry again soon after but luckily for me I got the sandwich within the £3 meal deal range, a concept that blew me away and in fact has inspired me to start selling sandwiches alongside Tesla’s as part of an automotive meal deal, but that is a press release for another day.”

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A Pictorial Re-enactment But With A Pulled Beef Sandwich

Trump Comes Out As Transgender And Is Now Officially The First Woman President

People on all sides of the political spectrum were shocked today as news arose that The 45th President made history by not only being the first trans president but, because of that, the first woman president too.

Many were shocked and some appalled at the news Some even claimed it to be a political move or hoax, with many people on the right claiming he’s only doing it to

“Troll the libtards.”

Many on the left have claimed that he is simply doing it to oppose Hillary Clinton, who has now dropped out of the 2020 presidential race due to the fact that the number one campaign slogan “I’m with her” has now been made redundant.

However, The President has come out to say that she has felt this way all her life and now feels comfortable coming out to the nation and the world.

InfoBomb managed to land an exclusive photoshoot from the President:

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Madame President rocking her new bod

Many activists from the LGBTQAUSD%£*`+ Community were confused as to whether they should protest or support Donald (Now Diana) Trump’s decision. Many are saying that “[she] isn’t a real woman” and “[It’s] obviously a mental condition and we shouldn’t take it seriously”.

However, others have commented on the fact they these are the same talking points the right have used for years and we have heard nothing from them since.

A prominent YouTuber by the name of XxTruthFact42X has claimed that he has known for many years now that Trump, as well as most other celebrities and politicians, have been trans this whole time. His video “Trump trans and is gay with Obama’s dog?!” has gained a whopping 16 views. It managed to reach 18 views after the news broke.

We do not know how he came across this information but we will keep you updated as this story progresses

Jazz Hands Instead Of Clapping Is Cultural Appropriation

Following a recent resolution to replace clapping with “jazz hands”, Manchester Student Union has been accused of cultural appropriation by the jazz community.

“Jazz arose in the late 19th and early 20th century in African-American communities of the US,” explained Louise Armstrong, acclaimed jazz expert and owner of six cats. “It is a proud part of their heritage, existing to declare their triumphs and struggles to the world, not to be abused by crypto-oppressive students who clearly don’t understand their position on the hierarchy of privilege.”

Jazz hands

Oppression in action.

The resolution was apparently intended to accommodate students with anxiety issues, who might be triggered by loud noises such as applause, as well as those with sensory and disability issues. Not all has gone to plan, however.

“They said I’d received a standing ovation,” said Evie Wonder, after giving a ninety-minute speech on the importance of attaching trigger warnings to all copies of the Chronicles of Narnia in public libraries. “I’m completely blind so that was lost on me. And the breeze from the waving hands was damn cold, which is insensitive to those with temperature-comfort issues like myself. The SU needs to do better.”

Clap

Hitler clapped for things. Just saying.

Izzy Gillespie, spokesperson for Manchester SU, defended the decision. “It’s important for people with anxiety and other issues to know that activists like myself will improve things for them, whether asked to or not. Jazz hands is a Broadway thing anyway, so it’s not appropriative surely?”

After being informed that denying that something is appropriative could also be considered appropriative, Gillespie terminated the interview so that she could go attend a cultural sensitivity seminar, then vomit.

In other news the University of East Anglia has demolished all its staircases in order to make its buildings more accessible to students with mobility issues. The crowdfunding for the replacement lifts and ramps has yet to reach its goal.