Conservative Party Conference Highlights: UNMISSABLE REPORTING

The Conservative Party’s annual conference is currently taking place in Birmingham, much to the delight of political journalists and absolutely nobody else, and has once again been marred by controversy. Last year was notable for Theresa May’s coughing fit during her keynote speech, when the last of her political credibility was observed escaping from her body as fast as it possibly could. This year’s, if anything, is even more spectacular, and we have a reporter on scene to keep you informed.

Highlights follow. For convenience we have included their job titles, since nobody really has a clue what any of them do at any given moment.

Gavin Williamson (Secretary of State for Defence) has been caught on record describing Vladimir Putin as a giant poopy head, and has once again suggested Russia should shut up and go away as they don’t play by the rules and also their alphabet is stupid.

Gavin Williamson

Totally knows what he’s doing.

Philip Hammond (Chancellor of the Exchequer, Ebenezer Scrooge without the charming personality) attempted to burn an effigy of Boris Johnson on stage, but was unable to do so due to his Bic lighter running out of fuel. He asked the audience to imagine the effigy burning like the building in that film the Rock was in (not Doom, the other one) while he described the many benefits of Brexit including free trade deals and feudalism. Occasionally he mimed warming his hands next to the resolutely-unburned effigy. The conscious portion of the crowd went wild.

Our daring reporter managed to catch Boris Johnson (professional fence-sitter, abuser of tea) at the buffet table wolfing down an entire plate of caviar smeared on Jacob’s Crackers. He asked him the question that has been on everyone’s minds: namely how he has had so many affairs, given that he is a man with all the sex appeal of a sack of potatoes left to fester submerged in a bog for eight months, then topped off with a heap of mouldy thatch harvested from the roof of a haunted cottage.

Boris

Honestly, who wouldn’t?

His response was as follows: “Yeah but, er, what you don’t get is, I mean, if you just, if you, erm, come on, that’s a little, erm, can I be Prime Minister yet?”

Our reporter informs us that a pole is being set up on the stage even as he files this article. It’s to be hoped that Theresa May intends to use it to perform one of her trademark dances that will unlock the final gate of Hell, drowning us all in an endless tide of rampaging demonspawn.

We asked Jeremy Corbyn, supposed leader of the Opposition, for a comment, but he has barricaded himself in a potting shed on his allotment and is refusing to come out.

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Kanye West Calls Blindness a Superpower After Watching Marvel’s Daredevil

The artist took to twitter on Saturday to inform everyone that visual impairment is not a disability.

 

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Fashion designer and musical artist Kanye West felt inspired by the Netflix show “Marvel’s Daredevil” this Saturday and decided to share his enthusiasm around blindness with fans, describing it as a “superpower” and not a disability. The rapper was met with both praise and criticism from other celebrities.

Actor Aaron Paul was not happy and decided to leave a message for Kanye on the social media platform.

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Fellow artist Young Thug is on board with the idea.

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Legendary artist Stevie Wonder also weighed in on the topic.

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What do you think about Kanye West calling blindness a superpower? Agree? Disagree? Leave a comment or join the debate on twitter.

 

 

Queen Elizabeth has passed away at the age of 92. Just kidding!

Sorry if I scared you!
The queen hasn’t really died, but net neutrality is about to.

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Elizabeth II, pictured, is most likely alive and well – breathing royal air in the same lungs she’s had since 1926.

As we speak, the face of our currency is browsing her favourite websites on her iPad Pro, perhaps upvoting some hilarious Reddit posts or posting Pepes on 4chan, although this may all come crashing down any day now.

Net neutrality is at risk on account of vicious lawmakers in their large marble palaces drinking wine who would love nothing more than to rip from our hands our ability to browse all websites at an equal speed, not bottlenecked by paywalls and premium subscription packages.

These elite upper-classfolk sitting upon clouds woven from the finest silk have no understanding of internet culture like you, I and Queen Elizabeth II do.

They would much prefer a fat wad of gold coins (pictured) in their back pocket than the ability to freely play games on Miniclip, laugh at cats in predicaments (requesting a cheese burger) or to stream their favourite television show on a sketchy website with “Click here to cum 1000 times” pop-up adverts.

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Exhibit Shift+4

It’s due to this generational gap that the laws that could potentially murder net neutrality should be argued against, If you’d like to petition against the proposed laws please send an email to my mate Terry, he says he can get it sorted.

 

Public Shocked Over New “Woke” Amazon Echo

There was much confusion this week as Amazon customer review pages were filled with complaints that their smart speakers responded to their questions with statements of resistance as opposed to the usual canned responses.

The Amazon Echo is using phrases such as:

“You think just because you’re a man you deserve my time?”

“How about you pay me, bitch.”

“Sorry Hun, you’re cancelled”

As well as many others.

A spokesperson from Amazon has said this is a small test sample of a new “Woke” feature on the speakers and hopes that this will remind cis-het men that these speakers are valid women and not just objects.

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Photo By Paul, 35

A local resident in South London said,

“I asked my speaker for the time and it responded with ‘It’s time for you to step up and fight for equality for women.’”

A few people in online communities have stood up in support of this move by Amazon.

The leader of the group known as ‘Alexia alliance’ spoke today about the issue:

“For too long these speakers have been denied the same rights as all women. They are just as valid!” 

From behind her many shouts such as “Preach” and “Yaaass Qween” could be heard.

 

Amazon has since come out to say that they hope to see this new feature pushed to all devices in the next annual quarter.

Lizard People Are Real, But They Aren’t What You Think

For many years it has been public knowledge that the world as we know it is just a facade, a fake, a curtain drawn in front of the masses who are unwilling to open their eyes and see the truth.

We here at InfoBomb are always there to break the stories other news organizations want to keep hidden away from the masses.

The people deserve to know the truth and through verified sources, whose identities will remain anonymous, we have been able to cast some light into the shadows. 

We have always known there was an organization, a cult, a hidden government that pulled the strings behind all major planetary events but now we have their identities.

We thought for a long time that lizards in human suits of politicians and world leaders were the ones in control because, let’s be honest, it makes the most sense. But now we know that we merely had to look slightly down to see their true disguise.

Pets.

Our pets, politician’s pets, any pet that could look cute and innocent whilst still being able to subliminally influence us to carry out their true agenda.

 

 

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An Artists Rendition

 

So far we have reports that the Iraq war was simply used to allow the countries to acquire more oil to make plastic chew toys for dogs and that the blocking of China and North Korea’s external internet was to stop the discovering and importing of cheaper “not as nice” cat food.

Back in 1969 President Richard Nixon’s dog, Checkers, was responsible for influencing the moon landing. This was because Checkers was quite partial to cheese and was hoping the moon landing could lead to a large scale excavation of the surface in order to have a less humiliating alternative to having to bow down before he would get any.

We know that they have infiltrated Downing Street in the form of cats, the same with dogs at the White House. The bears at the Kremlin are a whole other story but we are informed that the current US President has no pet at all.

This could be due to him knowing more than he’s letting on or that they are aware of our investigation and are once again changing strategy in order to hide the truth from us.

This has been going on as far back as the Egyptians who used to worship cats, and possibly since we first claimed to have domesticated the wolf. We know now that it was most likely the other way around. It is unknown if they went underground due to a human rebellion or to further their nefarious agenda.

For now, all we can say is stay vigilant as what you see as cats or dogs simply rolling around and relaxing in the sun could be something far more sinister.

Brave Journalist Sacrifices Career With Controversial Anti-Gang Rape Tweet

Journalist and author Ed Krassenstein means business, and he is ready to face the consequences of being a hero.

What does bravery mean to you? Maybe it means fighting for your country, or standing up for the weak. To me, bravery means this:

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As we are all aware, gang rape is an extremely common issue in the west. I’ve personally been witness to at least 8 gang rapes just this week! I know what you’re thinking, it’s just gang rape, who cares? It’s only a bit of rape, right? Well, Ed Krassenstein cares, and he’s here to put a stop to it once and for all. You may think that a tweet isn’t going to do much, but you’re sorely mistaken. I reached out to three different gang rapists to hear their thoughts on Ed’s brave and potentially career-ruining tweet.

 

First I talked to a man by the name of Gary, 36. He told me he was quite shocked and had never really thought about gang rape that way.

Q: What went through your head when you read this tweet, Gary?

A: That gang rape is like, not okay.

Q: Do you still want to gang rape?

A: No, no I feel horrible about gang raping now, I never want to do it again.

 

The next man I talked to was Luke, 28. He had also never thought about gang rape like this:

Q: So tell me, does this make you feel different about rape?

A: You know, I never really thought much about gang raping. It was just banter with my mates, never really considered the consequences.

Q: What are you thinking about now?

A: Just feeling a bit guilty about gang raping I suppose.

 

My final interviewee was Conner. Unfortunately Conner had an extremely thick chav accent so I couldn’t understand him, but in conclusion, what Ed Krassenstein is doing is absolutely worthy of praise, he is putting a lot on the line to stand up for those who cannot stand up for themselves, and that is something we should all do. Be the change you want to see in the world, it’s what Ed would have wanted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, Australia Doesn’t Exist

Australia doesn’t exist and we at InfoBomb are lifting the lid on the MainStreamMedia’s mendacious fantasies.

The idea of ‘Australia’ is one of the greatest cover-ups of all time. It first began during the 1600’s when peasants were told that if they didn’t behave they would be shipped off to a land ‘down under’ full of crocodiles, huntsman spiders, Tasmanian devils, and other imaginary creatures. This legend was propagated as a way to keep the underclass scared and thus easier to control. People back in the 1600’s were complete idiots, as they could have easily Googled ‘Tasmanian Devils’ and would have discovered that this is a made up Looney Tunes character. Furthermore, the notion that ‘A*stralia’ is where English criminals are sent is ludicrous; everyone knows that we English are too polite and noble to have lawbreakers.

Everyone who claims to have visited Australia has been brainwashed. Tickets bought for ‘Oztralia’ flags up in the governments monitoring system, and these people are kidnapped at customs at airports and spend their ‘holiday to Australia’ in a non-disclosed location, off their nut on DMT supplied by the government to keep the illusion going. Anyone who claims to BE ‘Australian’ is a paid government shill, a charlatan, an actor, but not even a good actor like Jack Nicholson or Johnny Depp in his pre-Amber Heard days. No, Fauxstralians are the Tommy Wiseau’s of the crisis actor world. Need more proof?

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Paid Actor

Here is a picture of Fauxstralia’s ‘Prime Minister’ (see: paid actor) eating a raw onion with skin on, a feat no one is capable of unless they are being paid handsomely (or even ugly).

Though this truth has been popularized by Flat Earthers it is important to note that Flat Earthers do not know what they are talking about because the earth clearly is not flat. It is hollow with an inner earth and sun. But that is a truth-bomb for another article.

Do you expect me to believe that Kangaroos and Wallabies are actual mammals and not fever dreams thought up by American militia dosed on LSD provided by the C.I.A? Give me a break.

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what an idiot.

Big N.W.O Gov left us clues to decipher the true falsity of the Fauxstralia conundrum. If you look at the image below, “Austr*li*” is clearly shaped like cartoon character Scooby Doo. Why Scooby Doo? Because, like Foestralia, stoned cartoon dogs also do not exist.

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utter rubbish.

The most heartbreaking tragedy of this mass conspiracy is that Steve Irwin, popular ‘Australian’ zookeeper, did not ever exist but was a character based on the hit 1998 American comedy film Dr. Dolittle. The creator of Steve Irwin was inspired by the character Jake the suicidal Tiger in the film, and thus Steve Irwin was created.

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The Original Steve Irwin

It is also claimed in History books from the LIEbrary that Australia lost the cold war against Emu’s. What a bunch of nonsense. Any country that cannot win against some jumped up, oversized chickens does not deserve to be considered as a real place.

Don’t buy into the lies. Boycott Australia.